Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Global Chess 3000
by Greg Bacon
Monday, February 23, 2009
ZionCon™, creators of "9/11," "Shock and Awe", "Gaza Blockade" and "Financial Collapse '08" are pleased to announce their latest game for the moneyed elite called "Global Chess 3000."
George Bush Sr., CEO of ZioCon™, issued a press release lauding the new strategic game being played on GC 3000. Bush said that they were creating a "new reality" of the world, casting and shaping the globe to benefit the upper crust and as such, they deserved a game befitting their status.
The old chess pieces will be replaced by the following creations of the Masters of Disaster at ZioCon™, said their Executive VP in charge of development, Benjamin "Bennie" Olmert. Olmert said that focus groups rated these life-like pieces high, since they seem so realistic.
The Knight will be replaced by the "Mercenary." The Merc will be dressed in a Ninja like outfit, with a hood covering his face. He will be armed with fragmentation grenades and a assault rifle. He will serve at the Queen's discretion and his moves known only to the Queen and her inner circle. The "Merc" is authorized by his Queen to shoot on sight anyone the "Merc" deems an obstacle to the Queen's global conquest.
The Bishop will now be called the "Televangelist." This piece will be dressed in a custom made silk suit from Saville Row, wear a $736,000 dollar Frank Muller timepiece and have bullet proof hair. The beauty of the TE is that he is so stealthy at getting pawns to believe bunk that their minds are easy for takeover and domination, which in turn leads to control of the Global game board.
The rook will now be called the "News Anchor." The News Anchor will not actually physically move around the board, but his mouth will flap incessantly, making the other pawns think they are actually hearing something worth listening to and at the same time, filling the pawn's mind with useless dreck, which gives the opponent an easy prey.
The pawns, said "Bennie", will stay true to their past and present places in history and remain pawns. He added that there are more than enough pieces available to become pawns and as in the past, are more than willing to die to help the King and Queen achieve their goals.
"Bennie" added that ZioCon™ had toyed with the idea of changing the pawns name to "cannon fodder" or "suckers", but that making something so evident that obvious could impact profits, so it was decided to let the pawns stay.
ZioCon™ said they wanted to retain a bit of old world flavor in their new game, so they elected to keep the King and Queen pieces as originally designed.
The ZioCon™ spokesperson said that having a King and Queen rule over the Global Chess 3000 board was a reflection of actualities in the real world, with untold numbers of pawns literally fighting over scraps of bread, so long as their King and Queen could live in the lap of luxury.